Image by dno1967b via Flickr
Last week, evangelist Pat Robertson came under some heavy fire for his comments about divorce on the grounds of Alzheimer’s.
When I first read this piece of news, I commented on my facebook page that I hoped that his words had been taken out of context, as so many inflammatory remarks often are. Unfortunately, it was not. On his television show, “The 700 Club”, Mr. Robertson advised a man (on behalf of his friend who called into the show) to divorce his wife who is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s Disease.
The situation (according to the caller) was this: the wife no longer recognized her husband, the husband had begun seeing another woman, and the caller was concerned with his friend’s relationship with God as a result of the pain caused by his wife’s illness.
Robertson remarked that Alzheimer’s is a type of death, and therefore divorce would not break the “til death do us part” section of the wedding vows.
Alzheimer’s is a dreadful illness. The toll it takes on the individual suffering from the disease is only half the battle. Alzheimer’s frequently stresses families to the breaking point. In looking at this from the perspective of care of the individual, there are a few things I feel need reminding.
1) Moments of clarity for persons with dementia are often triggered by something familiar. A large portion of the work I do with elders suffering from dementia is utilizing familiar music to trigger moments of clarity, or to at least call upon the feel good endorphins that are associated with music we remember fondly. Even though someone may not always recognize a person and associate their name with them, there is the chance that they will. Removing someone as familiar as a husband takes away a big tool in that person’s toolbox. Nurses and aids cannot replace that.
2) Moments of clarity can be intense and sometimes painful for the patient. I shudder to think of the day when a wife or husband comes out of the ‘fog’ of dementia, asks for their spouse, and is told that they were divorced. Alzheimer’s is already such a lonely disease. They are surrounded by people they don’t know, or do know but can’t remember, and coupled with the difficulties in mood, news like that could be devastating.
3) Every happy thought counts. I’ve worked with individuals before whom, while they couldn’t always remember me, what I did, or even that I was there before, associated my presence with a happy feeling. They may not remember tapping their toe while listening to me sing, or playing instruments with me, but they did.
4) This is still a person. Yes, Alzheimers is a horrible disease. Yes, it does seem to turn our loved ones into strangers. Yes, some people do view it as a death. But this is still a person. Regardless of your views on divorce (and I realize many can come into play here), the root of the issue is that this is a person who needs support, who cannot make their own decisions, and is in the midst of what can be considered one of the most painful deaths, both for themselves and their families. Pat Robertson’s determination that this person is “dead” in a way does not lessen their humanity.
I realize that I am writing from the view of what is beneficial for the person suffering from dementia and that the caregiver may feel a need to say “What about me?” I cannot control the conscience of any individual, but I know for myself, my thoughts would be consumed with how I would remember the time I spent with my loved one if I went through a dementia related divorce, how my relationships with my family and friends would be impacted, and my own guilt at abandoning someone I spent my life with to the total care of strangers without my presence.
What are your thoughts on this difficult issue? Share them in the comments, I’m interested to hear other’s views on this.
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for your thoughts on this situation. We had a discussion on the #eldercarechat Tweetchat several weeks ago about how to handle romantic relationships and dementia – for a person with dementia who falls in love with someone who is not their spouse, and for a caregiver who no longer has their partner and still wants a romantic relationship. That group concluded that this is a sticky situation all around with no clear answers.
My beef with Pat Robertson is his religious argument. He is so hard-lined on so many topics, but he’ll forgive divorce in this case? Someone with advanced Alzheimer’s has at least as much value as a fetus, right? (Please pardon the harsh language, but this guy makes me mad.) I think the only reason he is willing to bend his dogma in this situation is that he can actually imagine himself or someone very close to him being in this situation (as opposed to being homosexual, for example).
I believe that a person with advanced dementia is alive and has as much value as any other living human being. Divorce or adultery in a marriage with someone who has Alzheimer’s is just as wrong as divorce/adultery in any other marriage. Yes, I am sure it is an enormous challenge to one’s spiritual life to have a spouse in late-stage dementia, but that is not an excuse to abandon them, at least in the Christianity I follow.
I understand your sentiment and agree that it is very much a sticky situation that requires a lot of thought all around, and that the answer is likely different for each person. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! It is unsettling that someone who has the ear and devotion of so many people takes a stance that devalues the person’s long life!
[…] friend Natalie Mullis wrote recently about Alzheimer’s and Divorce. Also, my friend Rachelle Norman wrote about using an ocean drum with her clients living with late […]